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Alright, so today Effort-Lezzies I feel like I am gonna raise a little hell. I want to talk about something that I find beyond perplexing. In doing some research recently, I learned that a large many of Stud women and the ladies that love them, like to use pet name “Daddy”. Baybay’s I don’t want to be ignorant, but why in the world would anyone want to use a parental label to refer to someone who touches your vagina??? Why?

We all agree sexual relationships between parents and children are taboo – regardless of age of consent. Why then, is it ok and so popular to daddy role play in our queer relationships?

The title “Daddy” is a loaded one. Not only does it imply gender but power as well. When one refers to their partner as “Daddy” they are not only engaging in gender role play but they’re also making themselves submissive. While I can respect someones interest in BDSM, Daddy role play is an all day everyday thing and not confined to sexual situations. However even within a BDSM the parental suggestion becomes increasingly strange and concerning.

While I didn’t want to say it, but “Daddy issues”. I know sounds so cliche and is absolutely infuriating because so often the punch line to the joke about the cause of our sexuality is “Daddy issues”. It is however relevant here. I don’t think that it’s any coincidence that the “Daddy phenomenon” in queer relationships is most prevalent among communities with the highest rate of single parent homes. 67% of African American families are single parent families lead by women. With latino families trailing a not so far second. ( A Father’s main roles in the family are to offer protection and provide. For many women who have grown up in fatherless families, there is a longing to have this role fulfilled. It only makes sense that one would search for safety and protection in their relationships. On the flip side I also see why many women would take on the “Daddy” role in their families and fulfill those familial needs. Women providing for women fully using a spectrum of traditional gendered roles and traits is adaptive and impressive. We have wonderful caring partners who offer all the protection and care we could want for. But do we really need to call these partners “Daddy”?

Why are we honouring men and perpetuating gender roles in our relationships by using titles like “Daddy” anyway? I wouldn’t sooner honour a pack of badass wolves for my ability to provide and protect my family. Sure, they may be great providers and protectors of their families. But my possession of the same traits and abilities has shit all to do with a fuckin pack of wolves! Gender roles are beyond archaic. I think women have demonstrated very well in the last century that we are beyond equal. We have the ability to do anything men can and are capable of developing the same traits and skills given the chance. As we move forward in the gender movement we are going to witness the eradication of gendered traits and skills in our culture. We are going to come as a society to view them as human, not male or female. Leadership isn’t masculine it’s just an ability to lead. Providing isn’t a “Daddy” thing it’s just providing for your family.

It’s through constructs like these that we perpetuate patriarchy against ourselves. Un-Fuckin-belivable right? We need to be aware of the ways we participate in and prolong our own oppression. Women were once kept and controlled and we didn’t like it. So we did some badassery, became legal persons and changed the game. For the love of Gloria Steinem, let’s not play the “pretty kept thing” game. It’s lame, backwards and not only boring, but disrespects the force of nature that you are. So if you are someone who calls someone “Daddy”, or someone who likes to be called “Daddy”. Consider this, every-time you engage in this Daddy role play, what you are really saying to each other is this:
1. That you feel that women are NOT equal.
2. That women are subordinate, NEED protecting and are basically akin to pets.
3. You feel one person should have power over another in a relationship.

Don’t allow someone to call you daddy and don’t take her power. If you love your woman raise her up. Allow her to be the strong, independent and secure person she is. Loving someone means not taking their power. It means empowering them. Being a woman means you are part of remarkable group of dynamic and capable individuals. Be proud of who you are and know everything you do affects the whole squad! If you ever find it difficult to stand up for yourself. Assert yourself for your friends, mothers and the children you may one day have. When you don’t have confidence in yourself. Know that I’m here, we are all here with you. In this together, reminding each other that true happiness comes from the confidence of knowing WE are EVERYTHING we will ever need. Partners are simply for adding love and colour to our lives. They aren’t required for our survival.

#AmIRight? Agree? Disagree? What are your thoughts on the topic? I want to hear from you! Hit me in the comments below!

Image: Compliments of Steph Grant @imsteph


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About The Author

Founder and Editor-in-chief at Effort-Lez. Writer, comedian and career lesbian. Interests include, but are not limited to: Kanye West's Fade video, drinking wine & making out (while watching Kanye West's Fade video), cerebral hoarding, three point stands and laughing myself into quadriplegia.

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4 Responses

  1. G.A.L.

    Things to keep out of the bedroom. Politics, religion, political correctness. Relationships should be about honesty at all levels, but sexual
    responses pre-date humanity by billions of years. Games like this are fun, like going to the cinema to see films one likes and not what the
    Thought Gestapo provide. Sex might be embedded at a reptilian level in the brain, who knows what is happening with any persons likes or
    dislikes, does the writer wish to decry an interest in sweaty feet or having their hair stroked too ?
    The one thing the Lesbian community seems to share with the patriarchy is a pathological hatred of all women, show me any Lesbian who does not believe her particular foibles are not the ONLY orthodoxy allowed. And when it comes to bisexuality, the largest group in LGBT, well everyone hates them, right ?
    It seems to me that a group who complains about being discriminated against should not throw stones at any one, least of all members of their own community they might not agree with because, wait for it, ‘they don’t understand’.

  2. Julie McDonald

    May I agree with both Natash and G.A.L.? What names signify is more complex than we may consider. See Saussure for the basics (sorry, student here). As a transgender woman I’m incredibly aware of how different roles lead me to feel, in respect of masculine or feminine. I’ve noticed most roles stem from patriarchal ideas of how the world is. Eg. Doing the grocery shopping feels quite feminine, and being cast as protector feels masculine. That said, all different roles need doing regardless of gender. I have to remind myself I am not my roles but those roles are evidence of my capability. While I wouldn’t be comfortable with being ‘daddy’, I do sometimes play that patriarchal role. If another woman wants to be called ‘daddy’ that does not diminish me or other women. So why should I worry?

  3. MJ

    Stay out of my bedroom. None of yo bizness, even a little bit. What transpires between 2 consenting adults, again… none of yo biz.

    • Natash

      Maybe you could shed some light on the topic. Talking about culture is always good for everyone!