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So everywhere you look mainstream media seems to be glamourizing lesbians. From Ruby Rose, to beer commercials and the Fosters lesbians NOT orange seem to be the new black. So you say to yourself “Self I want to be a lesbian!” But how? Is there some sort of process? A place you can apply to get your membership card? As always Effort-Lez is here to make your life easier. Here is what you need to do. Let us walk you through the process on how to become a lesbian in 9 easy steps.

Step 1. Read this oath out loud. “ I, ______________ vow to swear off the D. No matter how bad my day or my break up. I will never engage with a wang. Even if the person it’s attached to says “Let me just put the tip in”.

Step 2. Please fill out this form and allow 2-3 weeks for the Lesbian Recruiting Agency to process.

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Step 3. If you received a letter from the Lesbian Recruiting Agency we are sorry please feel free to re-apply in 3 months. If you received a package from the LRA please sign the back of your official membership card and keep it with you at all times.

Step 4. Register for a Lesbian online dating site.

Step 5. Get a date. This part will be easy you both already have so much in common – you are both on a dating site. Hollahhh

Step 6. Don’t get cold feet! Good on the date! While you are on your first date. Don’ t feel pressured to show off and eat oysters while listening to Melissa Etheridge. Take it slow with some flirting and coffee.

Step 7. KISS HER!! This is your chance! The moment you have dreaming about after all those nights alone watching the L-Word.

Step 8. After a date or couple dates, things are going well and you want to take things to the next level. Now this part is crucial pay attention. When you finally get in the sheets with your new Bae remember. You have to go down on her too. If you don’t you were only Gay till it was your turn. Whan-Whan* Those girls we call straight and are forced to return their membership cards.

Step 9. If you cleared step 8 successfully introduce her to your parents, grandparents, neighbours, cats, grocery store clerk, new guy at your office et al. Post 18- 46 photo’s across your social media and move in with her by Friday.

That my Lezzie hopefuls is how you become a Lesbian in 9 easy steps!!


Photography: Compliments of the beautiful and very talented Candice. You can follow her on Instagram @cw077 ( 0 is numeric)

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About The Author

Founder and Editor-in-chief at Effort-Lez. Writer, comedian and career lesbian. Interests include, but are not limited to: Kanye West's Fade video, drinking wine & making out (while watching Kanye West's Fade video), cerebral hoarding, three point stands and laughing myself into quadriplegia.

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