Welcome to our first edition of :”Queer Q’s”!
Being a gay lady can add some layers to everyday social situations, making them unique and sometimes even awkward. Whether you’re trying to figure out who picks up the check on a first date OR wondering if you should correct your 89 year old grandpa who keeps calling your GF “son” i’m here to help make it Effort-Lez. Have a dykey dilemma you need some help with? Email it to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Someone in my Twitter feed recently posted:
Help! I can’t make friends, without my Girlfriend getting jealous.
-Friendly and forever fucked.
While she didn’t exactly ask “ME” for advice. I’m pretending she did.
Dear Friendly and forever fucked,
Welcome to being a lesbian! This is a problem as old as time my Baybay. (Or should I not call you Baybay in case your GF gets mad?…) In ancient times many lesbians starved and froze to death because of this very problem. The hunter partners, would not allow the gathering girlfriends to have friends over to gather necessities while they were away hunting beavers and stuff. So… with no one to babysit the cats or help carry supplies they would parish while their partners were away. Totally true story!
The take away here. Is a very important one. “Survival First.” We all want to have successful relationships but many of us are TOO willing to do it at the expense of our ourselves. Our pleasing natures too often lend to us accommodating the insecurities of our partners and short changing ourselves. As our partners freak out about different people and situations we find ourselves dropping friends, skipping on social events and stressing over social media interactions that could be mis-interpreted. While you’re making your world smaller trying to make your Boo more comfortable, she may in fact not be getting any more secure at all. What’s probably happening is you’re reinforcing a pattern of behaviour that’s actually quite controlling and isolating for you. Total relationship fail! Every-time she feels insecure, the expectation/dynamic will become that you drop whoever is “making” her feel that way.
While we can all appreciate in a world where single lesbians are generally potential Baes, meeting and befriending new girls while in a relationship, can appear sketchy to partners. It can raise really valid questions like, “Why the sudden interest in the person?”, “Are they single?”, “Do they like you?”, “Is it really appropriate for you to go to coffee alone with this person?”. The key here is communication, communication and more communication.
You’re emotionally invested with your GF, if something is bothering her you should want to help her work through it and feel more comfortable. This will also only strengthen your relationship. While it’s easy to call someone jealous, and get annoyed about 20 questions over something as innocent as a shared interest in curling. It’s important to try to see the situation from their vantage point. They don’t know this new BFF of yours, they aren’t privy to your connection or dynamic and they love you. They obvi don’t want this new “super interesting person” walking in a sweeping you off your feet. (See what I did there? With the play on Curling?! *Im the worst I know*)
Friendly and forever fucked, I hear you saying “But I really want to be friends with this person AND have my GF be chill about it.
What to do? First things first, check yo’ self! What are your intentions? Make sure they are upstanding Bbg. Why are you drawn to this person? What’s it rooted in? If your interest is purely platonic there is nothing to sweat, just talk it out with your GF. Be open with her about where you are at and why you are interested in recruiting new friends.
**Important Disclaimer!!! **
Friends are an ab-so-fuckin-lutely essential part of life and a healthy psyche. You need to have friends! No relationship can sub having friends. EVER!
I don’t care how great your GF is! My GF gets me in ways I don’t understand, she sings rap duets with me and knows how to split a pizza after hot yoga. But I still need my girl time. Friends balance us out. They provide varying view points and play different roles in our social and emotional lives. No one can show you unconditional love and check you quite like someone you don’t go down on.
Anyone who truly loves you and wants whats best for you, is going to want you to have friends in your life, even if it makes them uncomfortable. That’s one of the rad things about true love. It makes you want the best for the other person and inspires you to try to give it to them. The key is doing it all with reasonable and self-full boundaries. Love hard, give her the moon, but don’t collapse the whole fucking universe to keep one star in your sky. Always make sure you are taking care of you first. In making the choice you’re making about a friend, are you getting what you need? Is it balanced? Does it make sense for your life and your relationship? If you’re not sure, it’s always good practice to sound it off a friend. See!!! Just another reason to keep a strong squad!